Sunshine 2020: Prompt Five (the first)

[bloodydemonic]

Prompt 5: Blue
Blue is a tranquil color that is associated with a variety of things including: balance, discovery, peace, calm, openness, patience, honor, grace, trust, depression, recovery, prophecy, respect, empathy, flexibility, and water.

Sun-bleached bones were most wonderful against the blue – that blue that will always be there as it is now after all man’s destruction is finished. – Georgia O’Keeffe

Blue is often introspective and deep in its calm stillness. When you have been blue, have you been patient with yourself? Have you taken the time to explore your inner self and discover ways to progress?

Please feel free to answer in whichever way comes naturally to you, be it a memory you share or an artwork you create. If you’d like a more specific idea to kick things off: share with us some songs or albums that remind you of the color blue or its theme.

Blue is sadly how I've been falling all week. I struggle with depression and anxiety, have since my teens, and I've been teetering for most of the pandemic, but I've been able to keep it under control for the most part. This last week though, not so much. I didn't want to write a blogpost about it because no-one wants to read about me whining, I don't want to but then I also know how cathartic it is to journal, to get everything out of my head. Will I post this? Who knows... but getting it out and making sense of it is helping.

Tally went back to work on Monday which hasn't helped. A little backstory is that we only moved in together in January, we rescued our cat Clive in February and then lockdown happened a few weeks later. Tally was furloughed and I was working from home. I was supposed to have gone back to work on the 6th but breaking my ankle put the kibosh on that and my team leader wasn't able to get approval for me to continue working from home.

So I was alone for the first time in months. I hadn't realised how much I'd got used to having Tally around. Poor Clive was so lost on Monday - he kept sitting in front of where Tally usually sits and mrrowing so mournfully.

I've also been struggling with insomnia - I've been having issues with it on and off throughout lockdown but this cast on my ankle isn't helping the sleeping issues, as well as not being able to shut my brain off, I can't get comfortable. Then I feel like I'm disturbing Tally and guilt creeps in. Insomnia makes the depression worse which makes the insomnia worse - it's a bitch of a cycle. I've got some sleeping pills so will try to break the cycle... I just hate the zopiclone hangover the next day.

However! My parents have come to visit. I haven't seen them since Christmas and although we've been video chatting etc, it's really not the same as a big hug from my Mummy ♥ (Tally's parents live about 30 minutes away so we've seen them a few times in the last couple of weeks but mine are over 2 hours from us). They came yesterday and they're going home again on Sunday. Just after arriving, they took one look at our kitchen and drove to the supermarket to stock up our cupboards and fridge/freezer so now we have all the easy to prep food (Tally is not talented in the kitchen and I can't stand easily so yeah).

I was going to continue this post onto the art/history nerding and fandom side of things, but it doens't feel like it fits the tone, so I'm going to leave this here, and make a 'Sunshine Challenge: Prompt Five (part deux)' post for that

Thank you for reading.

Comments

[smallhobbit]

I'm sorry to hear how you've been feeling. I think a lot of people have been struggling, so more than usual, some for possibly the first time. Not that that will help you, except to say that it is a perfectly 'reasonable' response to the current situation.

Glad your parents were able to do something practical for you, as well as showering you with love and affection.

[bloodydemonic]

Thank you ♥

[shadowhive]

I can relate to that feeling. I’ve felt the same through much of this and it came back the last few weeks. Depression really sucks for that

Aww no, that’s so sad🥺

Oh no, I hope you’re able to get rest soon. Insomnia really does fuck you up

Aww yay, I hope you have a nice time with them! Yay hugs💙

[bloodydemonic]

I think because I've been working through most of the pandemic, although from home and not from my usual place of work, I was able to keep busy - and having Tally here as a buffer also helped. It's that sudden change to being alone all day which I've never been before.

Social media is also helping - I'm interacting with people, I'm finding new Youtubers to follow and fall in love with, I'm discovering podcasts and this afternoon my mum has introduced me to the app QuizUp which is going to be a complete time suck. But all of which will hopefully help keep me busy, occupied, distracted and coping :)

[shipperslist]

My first reaction was to write that I'm sorry you're feeling blue in a totally genuine way and then I realized it would sound too on the nose. Oh well. I'm sorry you're feeling down. This whole spring and summer have been one giant ball of odd so it's no wonder you're feeling at a loss.

About insomnia––I'm not going to pretend to know how to fix that, but a curious thing I realized a couple of days ago when I started using a blanket again (it's been so hot I've slept with a sheet only), and it seems like the small weight the blanket has, helps me to sleep. So I've been low-key contemplating testing out a weighed blanket. I have no idea if that would be helpful to you, I'm just flapping my fingers down on keys here.

[bloodydemonic]

Thank you *hugs* I'm feeling a bit better today.

I've thought about trying a weighted blanket myself but I need to do some proper research into it first. Reading Tally's accounts and marketing books also seems to help ;)

[shipperslist]

I'm glad to hear you feel better.

If you end up getting one, please write out your thoughts about it.

[corvidology]

*squishes you* Depression and anxiety are no joke and they're definitely giving my meds a workout so I definitely sympathise. ♥

I'm really glad that your parents have come to visit. Apart from the hugs, the change in routine will probably help to raise your spirits a little as will a well stocked kitchen.

[bloodydemonic]

squishes are always super welcome *hugs back* I'm going to monitor myself over the next 2-3 weeks to see if I need to speak to my GP about medication. I usually manage it OK without but sometimes when shit happens, I just need that extra helping hand.

Right now, between my parents visit, seeing a friend and getting out and about a bit yesterday, I'm feeling pretty good so my fingers are crossed

[corvidology]

It took a long time to work out what worked for me and I went long periods without taking anything but I'd get trapped in thinking-loops that I couldn't break free of which made for a really uncomfortable life as I couldn't let anything go. There's a wide range of atypical brain chemistry in my family.

I now take a regular low dose of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicine and it has made a world of difference for me. I can still still get down and a bit hyper-focused on things but it doesn't last long and seems more in line with friends of mine who don't have atypical brain chemistry.

💙

[oldtoadwoman]

Sympathies. I doubt that it's helpful to tell you that you aren't alone, but I'm afraid that commaraderie is all I can offer.

This has been such a rough year. I'm not even a particularly social person so spending more time alone isn't that bad in a day-to-day sense, but it's the general uncertainty where there isn't anything to look forward to. I don't know when I'll be able to invite friends over again or when I'll feel safe going back to the movie theater or when I'll feel comfortable spending extra money on takeout. (I had theater tickets to a musical in August that's been postponed until spring and I'm worried live theater won't even be back by the spring.)

I'm feeling so tired and burnt out.

Re: 💙

[bloodydemonic]

It does help, thank you <3 The uncertainty is definitely the worst thing about it, everything's so open-ended and the situation seems to be changing constantly. It's no wonder we're all burned out, we're all incredibly stressed even if we don't realise it.

My fingers are crossed for your musical in the spring

[bemused_writer]

I've had some crazy insomnia of late, too, ever since quarantine. It's been rough. I hope thing get better soon!

[silveradept]

Huzzah for supplies being procured! And for having some people around the house to help while you're recovering. I hope it's smooth and swift.